Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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