I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
