I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
