Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
