I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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