walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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