I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
