people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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