Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
