you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
