So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Randomize
