I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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