you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
