i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
