At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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