if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
