Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
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