my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
