I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
