i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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