i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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