what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
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