my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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