I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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