According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
