Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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