the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
