They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize