I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
