Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
