Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
