3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
