What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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