I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
