I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
