member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
