i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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