We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
