did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
