I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
