Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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