Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
