she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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