he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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