Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
