I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
