I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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