You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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