my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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