Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
