last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
