The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize