Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
