Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
