I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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