and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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