We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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