The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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