Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
