Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
