Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
