Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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