ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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