if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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