Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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