So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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